Well, you know I never blog on the weekends, so this must be a special occasion. It is, and it is a troubling one. After being in the church all of my life, and being a pastor for over 25 years, I currently, because of my health issues, am not leading a church. What has struck me the last few months is that, I really don't like going to church.
I have no problems with God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit. I still pray every day, and find my personal faith to be as strong, or stronger, than it has ever been. I am extremely grateful that God healed me in a miraculous fashion (tell any doctor what I've been through the last 18 months, and watch the expression on their face). I feel nothing but gratitude and love towards the Lord. But I sit in church and go crazy inside.
It is interesting to hear someone else preach. I often think of what illustrations I might have used as I listen to them use one to make a point. Thank goodness I don't sit there and try to pick them apart. I am a silent cheerleader, praising each solid point in my mind, and cheering them onward and upward if they seem to be struggling a little bit (been there, done that, not fun or easy!)
The main thing is, I look around and let my mind wander. I get depressed when I see so few young people, and worry that I am worshipping with the last generation of that particular church. I see people, and think of all the petty arguments and back-stabbing that goes on, and how their poor pastor has to put up with and try to control that garbage. Too many people join the church and stop growing immediately. They should serve less fried chicken and more milk at covered dish suppers-lots of baby Christians out their who have already reached retirement age!
I think of how the church picks and chooses what sins to talk about and which ones to ignore-sin is sin, but too many churches want to rail about homosexuality and abortion while ignoring the greed and untruthfulness all around them, and all of the adultery and couples living together without marriage. God does not pick and choose--God loves us all, but hates ALL sin! and we are ALL sinners, not just "them".
I sill love to preach and share God's Word, I guess I'm just struggling a bit. A good friend said that, after all I have been through, it's not unusual or un-expected. So, if you pray, please pray for me. I know the church is not a shrine for the saints, but is a hospital for the sick. I know that, like anything man-made, it is not perfect, nor are the people inside of it. I KNOW all of that, and truly believe it. But boy, I'm struggling right now. I do know that God will see me through it.
God bless YOU, and enjoy the rest of your weekend!
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Someone shared with me that each person does things out of love or fear. I often find it interesting to look at that. For me, when love is present, there is no fear and no doubt about what I am doing. When fear is present it may show up as many things. When I discover fear is present, I have an immediate opportunity to release the thought patterns that created it.
ReplyDeleteI also call upon 'Papa' and discuss it all with Him. I am reminded that He has not given me "a Spirit of Fear, but of Power, of Wisdom, and of a Sound Mind." With fear released, I claim each of those and stand in them. The path becomes immediately clear.
You have so eloquently described thoughts that I've had for years about the act of going to church. Ever since I was a child in Sunday School, I've wondered some of the very things you're raising here. So I knew I would never 100% identify with the particulars, the details, the examples, the specifics that people choose to interpret and/or cling to. I tried isntead to focus on the overall message.
ReplyDeleteI could write a thesis on this topic, but don't have time to get all my thoughts out here. Just thank you for your honesty and candor, which make me feel a little more normal and less guilty for thoughts I occasionally have.
Anthony - It took me 25 years to find Jesus in the maze of church. Jesus did not say I have come that you may have church and go more often. This is coming from someone who loves the church, but if it prevents us from really knowing Him,then church has got to change. Some say I am radical but if the dog won't hunt, it just won't hunt.
ReplyDeleteBert
Anthony, Change is in the air for many churches. But in order to make change, it has to be from within. Stay with it, love it. God is in charge. Clara
ReplyDeleteMaybe just a season for you. I understand what pain and suffering does to our spirits, as i am in the midst of it myself. Things are a changing.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you.
God bless,
Lucy
WV fixcist
Anthony, It is difficult being a captain of a plane and no longer being the pilot but a passenger. The key is your statement, "I love to preach." While I didn't go through what you did with health issues, I struggled just the same when I became a DS and had to "give up" my passion for preaching and pastoral ministry. And while I didn't get invited to do much preaching as a DS, I adjusted by looking for new passions to explore and develop. Life is always about challenges, change, adjustments, and discernment. It appears to me that you have a gift of writing. Perhaps that's the next "chapter" of ministry you need to explore. Just a thought. Blessings! Franklin
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